Just needed somewhere to write things. Red is very bright today and I go to a college where their colours are red and blue so its sort of everywhere. They actually use a lot of pinks as well.
I really need to pull my thumb out about going to the doctor ‘cos these are all warning signs. And we really don’t want to go off of the deep end, as it were.
I feel anxious but it’s ‘people anxious’, I don’t think I’m going to have a panic attack but I definitely feel very anxious.
I don’t know what to do with this entry, when I should be writing my chemistry lab report instead…
Fuck it. If I don’t write it down, it won’t leave my head and then I won’t be able to think straight. I am wearing the jeans that I fell over in and my knee feels weird because of the holes in them.
I don’t know what to do with this entry. I don’t know what to do at all.
I’m really hungry right now. I’m really hungry. That means that I feel weird all the time at the moment.
Plus people are eating custard and I wanted to eat it too even though I don’t like warm custard
Things are really getting busy in here and we have half an hour left until we have to go to biology.
I don’t feel very well but I think that that has a lot to do with not drinking enough during the day.
Red is very red today, so is yellow. This makes me glad that I didn’t have to go to the other college because it’s all yellow there and yellow is the enemy. But it’s the colour that represents J-Hope the sunshine boy so I don’t really know how to truly feel about it. It’s a colour that feels like it’s stabbing me in my optical nerve repeatedly.
(I wrote this whilst very sick and considerably more psychotic than normal, that is why it is so rambly.)
As the date for my second interview draws near, it’s starting to feel more and more like it is looming over me. I am honestly really scared about it.
“Why?” You might ask am I so afraid of this interview. There are so many reasons that I don’t know if I will be able to write them all down without having a panic attack.
Firstly it’s an interview I have to have, in order to get onto a college course that I want to take. A course that I genuinely feel at the moment I have to take in order to leave these past five years of limbo behind me. So, you know I am not putting myself under any pressure at all to do this.
You know, the last time I had a dream for my future it was the spring of 2012. Back then my dream was to become a mental health nurse. I had, had a really bad experience of the Children’s and Adolescent Mental Health Service. The psychiatrist that I had to see was the worst possible person…well at least for me. She didn’t have a lot of time for listening.
I’m also really rusty on my maths…I left secondary school in 2009 and I haven’t really been in need of a lot of the maths that I learned.
Part of the interview is that, I have to take a maths test…
As the title says, today I realised something very important. Honestly, it was something that I realised about fifteen minutes ago.
I have been struggling with my weight for a very long time. Pretty much since the start of puberty I’ve been piling it on and struggling desperately to take it back off again. Lately, it’s been more of the putting it on than the taking it off.
So I thought, what with all of my anxiety, that this was because of a comfort eating problem. When I get anxious I do eat in a rather out of control way so I suppose that was a logical step for me to take.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 21 but I haven’t really sat down and figured out more about it than I already knew. It turns out that there is more to it than just having problems with socialising and social anxiety. Reading things written by other people who also have it, especially other females has been very enlightening. Usually listening to people who actually have what you have is more informative than information available from professionals in my experience.
So now I realise that it’s not the food that I want, or necessarily the eating itself but the chewing sensation. Previous to this revelation I had thought that stimming (repetitive self-soothing activities) only included things like rocking and hand flapping. Apparently one of my biggest stims is chewing. It certainly explains the amount of chewing gum I went through in Secondary School.
Whenever I am anxious, whenever I am feeling like too much is going on, I put things in my mouth. I chew my cheeks. I bite the inside of my lip. I grind my teeth…
After this discovery, I wondered whether there was something, that I could use to replace my over eating and chewing gum (which I am terrified of accidentally aspirating). A quick search on the internet and I found out that you can get oral stimming things that are safe to chew on. Basically quite similar to baby teething things. Not the ones filled with water but the more durable hard silicone ones.
I’m thinking about trying this out. Maybe it will help me to gain control over my weight.
Today I remembered the password to an account that I needed to use. This is something that I feel really great about it.
I also got around to drawing a few things and that helped with how stressed I have been feeling lately. A lot of making a mess essentially. I’ve certainly been making a lot more music over the past day than I have this whole first half of the year.
My Dad went out and bought me some GCSE revision guides for maths and science, something that I really appreciate as I am very rusty on these things. Topping them up is important as I will be needing those skills in the future if I get onto the course that I want to do.
Now I am going to focus on this revision, therapeutic drawing and music making and trying to sort out my food problems. Ideally I would like to lose some weight before going to college. It would be nice not to be bullied because of my weight in the future. It has been such a strong part of my past.
Anyway, I shall end this here. I hope that you are safe and taking steps towards your dream.
It has been a while since I last wrote anything to you. I haven’t really been in the mood to talk to anyone.
That’s not because anything in particular has happened i have just been feeling really overwhelmed. I applied to go back to college which is a very big step for me considering the past five years or so.
I had an interview for one of the two colleges that I applied to and although i feel like i overshared about my problems I wanted to enter with all of them out in the open. That way it feels like there will be less problems that way.
Now I have to wait for the next one which is in July and that is making me rather anxious but I am coping.
Even though I acknowledged in the last post that I needed help, I haven’t gotten in contact with my GP yet. I’m not 100% certain why that is yet. Maybe it’s how much I hate talking on the phone and the anxiety that, that provokes in me? Or it’s the knowledge that this time I’m really going to have to bear my heart and talk about things that have happened in the past in a way I’ve been unable to do thus far.
Yes, there are a lot of things that I went through therapy for so long without telling anyone. Things that I don’t even really let myself think about and that I definitely don’t think about without judging myself for how they turned out.
I’ll have to get help though, no matter how hard it’s going to be for me to take those first steps! I know from experience just how bad things can get if I let myself go untreated. It’s not pretty!
I never thought that I was so close to self-harming again until it happened. This has been my second relapse though, so I think I need to stop beating myself up about it. Somewhere between 2011 and 2012 was the last time that I did it and to go for so long is something that I should be proud of myself for.
It’s also nearly a year since you’ve been discharged and that’s the longest I’ve gone without therapy since I left the trainwreck that was C.A.M.H.S. My resolve to throw away the contents of the blue box has also greatly increased which I think also has to be a sign of things getting better.
I don’t want to set my recovery back by being a coward. These things need to be faced, it’s just a matter of psyching myself up for it all. At least this time round my mother knows somewhat, what’s going on and therefore I’m not desperately trying to keep it all from her. Something that was a very large stressor for me for a long time.
Anyway talking to you really helped me sort out the thoughts that I have going round in my head. I’m going to make a list of things to do in the coming week or so. Maybe that will help me get everything in order.
Today, I have been feeling very anxious and my decision to make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow really feels like a good one.
I’ve been feeling copious amounts of emotions that I haven’t been feeling for a very long time. Some of them very bad. It might be purely that all of my hormones are out of wack, with the return of my period but I want to make sure that I keep myself safe.
I don’t want to return to the days of hiding self-harm scars and disassociating so badly that I use days of memory at a time.
Anyway, this is how I have been feeling over the past couple of days. All the pressure to finally make something of myself and prove to everyone that all their time, care and money hasn’t been wasted.