Even though I acknowledged in the last post that I needed help, I haven’t gotten in contact with my GP yet. I’m not 100% certain why that is yet. Maybe it’s how much I hate talking on the phone and the anxiety that, that provokes in me? Or it’s the knowledge that this time I’m really going to have to bear my heart and talk about things that have happened in the past in a way I’ve been unable to do thus far.
Yes, there are a lot of things that I went through therapy for so long without telling anyone. Things that I don’t even really let myself think about and that I definitely don’t think about without judging myself for how they turned out.
I’ll have to get help though, no matter how hard it’s going to be for me to take those first steps! I know from experience just how bad things can get if I let myself go untreated. It’s not pretty!
I never thought that I was so close to self-harming again until it happened. This has been my second relapse though, so I think I need to stop beating myself up about it. Somewhere between 2011 and 2012 was the last time that I did it and to go for so long is something that I should be proud of myself for.
It’s also nearly a year since you’ve been discharged and that’s the longest I’ve gone without therapy since I left the trainwreck that was C.A.M.H.S. My resolve to throw away the contents of the blue box has also greatly increased which I think also has to be a sign of things getting better.
I don’t want to set my recovery back by being a coward. These things need to be faced, it’s just a matter of psyching myself up for it all. At least this time round my mother knows somewhat, what’s going on and therefore I’m not desperately trying to keep it all from her. Something that was a very large stressor for me for a long time.
Anyway talking to you really helped me sort out the thoughts that I have going round in my head. I’m going to make a list of things to do in the coming week or so. Maybe that will help me get everything in order.