Everything written in black is the original source material directly from my diary and everything written in red has been changed in order to protect people or to not tell you exactly where I live.
I’m so far behind in coursework, that it’s scary but I just can’t motivate myself to get on and do it. I think that waiting for my MRI scan thing isn’t helping. I just wish that waiting for a diagnosis didn’t take so long, I mean it’s been two years already. But seeing your immortal that must be a blink of the eye to you.
Anyway, all I know at the moment is that the pain and that clicking are driving me crazy. At least when all these tests are over they’ll have some idea what it is and I can stop worrying and jumping to the worst conclusion.
College just doesn’t suit me! The only person I can relate to I only see once in a blue moon and everyone on my course except Helen is so incredibly shallow. You know the type of ‘maiden’ (and here I use the term loosely) nice to your face but willing, nay happy to talk behind your back. Argh, it drives me crazy and most of them are so pretty it’s scary. I find myself wishing I could be like them and staring which is yet another indication that I’m not ‘normal’ and I don’t know what do/believe.
I mean, I have feelings for girls which I’ve only recently realised and I’m not sure what I feel about guys. It’s just so awkward what with everything else that’s going on in my life at the moment.
Why does stuff keep going wrong for me just when I start to get a grip on things? It’s just crazy. I know I should try and be more positive about things but I think all of those years of bullying have finally get to me like those unimaginative idiots planned them to. Arggh.
Because I’m not obsessed with looking exactly like the person next to me yet, I want to fit in as well. I make no sense at all not even to myself. It’s great isn’t it and probably yet another sign that I’m going completely stark raving mad.
Thanks for the chat.
Well, what I take from this was that I really didn’t like the other girls on my course back then and that I was at least in my diary writing somewhat of a bitch towards them. They were just, you know… teenaged girls with stereotypical teenage interests and nastiness.
It’s hard to explain, girls can be terrible to one another in ways that are often worse than physically fighting.
I was rather lonely and confused about all of the feelings that I was feeling then. Waiting for a diagnosis for the joint pain that I was feeling and struggling with was at the time very scary. When there’s something wrong with you, your thoughts immediately go to the worst conclusions possible. There is some Rheumatoid arthritis in my family as well as a boat load of Cancer.
So I’m pretty sure you can imagine that I was very worried about those things.
Hagrid was one of the multitude of names that I was called by the bullies I experienced during the five years of secondary school. A particularly popular one. I had and still have very curly bushy hair. I suppose that’s the only thing they had up their sleeves.
I was also very confused about my sexuality back then I hadn’t really sat down with myself and had a conversation about the feelings that I was feeling. Sorting out how you feel is more complicated when you have Aspergers.
Add to that, that I really didn’t know anything about LGBT things as a teenager, I grew up in a small town and the sex ed. I received was pretty basic. For those interested, I identified as Bi-sexual but I think Pansexual is a word that I identify more with.
To sum up this entry I would say that there is a lot of angst.