Pressure

Dear Elrond,

Today I spent a lot of my time trying to figure out how to solve the problem that I’m having with my new tablet’s pressure settings.

It was really making me anxious so instead, I had to distract myself with clips of Produce 101 Season 2. A programme that I can’t bring myself to watch in full episodes because it also makes me anxious.

NU’EST. I think that is the only thing I have to say to the people who know about what I’m talking about. ūüė• I really want to help save them.

Anyway, I’m going to do some work on my webcomic now.

Raven

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A new start

Dear Elrond

There are so many things I should be doing right now. Instead, I am writing this.

My plan to lose weight isn’t going as well as I want it to but we’re still making progress which is all we need after all. To keep moving forward.

I am feeling a little sad these days, I think it’s due to all the thoughts that I have flying around inside of my head. So many thoughts and worries about the future. As I said before though, as long as we keep moving forward, I am fine with it.

I’ve been complaining a lot lately too, which is annoying everyone. I suppose I’m a little bit sensitive (maybe overly so) it’s mostly because I don’t feel comfortable complaining about the thing that I really want to, so everything keeps piling on.

My pain is really bad at the moment, maybe from all of the drawing that I’ve been doing? Also, I’m a little bit more psychotic that normal. I need to make a new doctor’s appointment for a referral.

Yours,

Raven

A change in direction

 

Um… I’ve decided to change the format of the blog a little. Instead of posting only old diary entries, I’m thinking of adding up to date charts as well.

I don’t know why I’m not making a lot of sense, but essentially I’m going to be writing about some things that are going on in my life right now and stuff. ¬†You know, as a place to vent emotions.

I hope that you will also enjoy these posts as well.

Raven

30.11.2009

All names in red have been changed.

30/11/09 12:30pm

Dear Elrond,

Why is college so confusing? Hmm!

I’m sorry for asking so many questions that you obviously can’t answer for me. I mean some of them would never have occurred in your time anyway.

I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I might be ‘bi’… have no idea how my parents are going to take that, though. That should be fun. I’ve promised myself that I won’t tell anyone until I’m fully sure what I feel and I’ve lost the weight I’ve been promising to lose for the past five years.

So this could take some time!

Raven

This is one of the very, very short entries in this diary. I don’t know why it is so short, I don’t know why at all.

You can see that I am still struggling at college and finding it hard to express what exactly is happening here. So even here in my diary, I couldn’t get out what I wanted to say.

I’m still very confused about my sexuality, but given the short amount of time between this entry and the last, I don’t expect for me to have gone through any sudden epiphanies. Other than that, I have no idea why I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it until I had lost some weight…but I am still not out to my parents.

It has taken some time…

27.11.2009

Everything written in black is the original source material directly from my diary and everything written in red has been changed in order to protect people or to not tell you exactly where I live. 

27/11/09             0:15am

Dear Elrond,

I’m so far behind in coursework, that it’s scary but I just can’t motivate myself to get on and do it. I think that waiting for my MRI scan thing isn’t helping. I just wish that waiting for a diagnosis didn’t take so long, I mean it’s been two years already. But seeing your immortal that must be a blink of the eye to you.

Anyway, all I know at the moment is that the pain and that clicking are driving me crazy. At least when all these tests are over they’ll have some idea what it is and I can stop worrying and jumping to the worst conclusion.

College just doesn’t suit me! The only person I can relate to I only see once in a blue moon and everyone on my course except Helen is so incredibly shallow. You know the type of ‘maiden’ (and here I use the term loosely) nice to your face but willing, nay happy to talk behind your back. Argh, it drives me crazy and most of them are so pretty it’s scary. I find myself wishing I could be like them and staring which is yet another indication that I’m not ‘normal’ and I don’t know what do/believe.

I mean, I have feelings for girls which I’ve only recently realised and I’m not sure what I feel about guys. It’s just so awkward what with everything else that’s going on in my life at the moment.

Why does stuff keep going wrong for me just when I start to get a grip on things? It’s just crazy. I know I should try and be more positive about things but I think all of those years of bullying have finally get to me like those unimaginative idiots planned them to. Arggh.

‘Hag-rid!’

Because I’m not obsessed with looking exactly like the person next to me yet,¬†I want to fit in as well. I make no sense at all not even to myself. It’s great isn’t it and probably yet another sign that I’m going completely stark raving mad.

Thanks for the chat.

From Raven

Well, what I take from this was that I really didn’t like the other girls on my course back then and that I was at least in my diary writing somewhat of a bitch towards them. They were just, you know… teenaged girls with stereotypical teenage interests and nastiness.

It’s hard to explain, girls can be terrible to one another in ways that are often worse than physically fighting.

I was rather lonely and confused about all of the feelings that I was feeling then. Waiting for a diagnosis for the joint pain that I was feeling and struggling with was at the time very scary. When there’s something wrong with you, your thoughts immediately go to the worst conclusions possible. There is some Rheumatoid arthritis in my family as well as a boat load of Cancer.

So I’m pretty sure you can imagine that I was very worried about those things.

Hagrid was one of the multitude of names that I was called by the bullies I experienced during the five years of secondary school. A particularly popular one. I had and still have very curly bushy hair. I suppose that’s the only thing they had up their¬†sleeves.

I was also very confused about my sexuality back then I hadn’t really sat down with myself and had a conversation about the feelings that I was feeling. Sorting out how you feel is more complicated when you have Aspergers.

Add to that, that I really didn’t know anything about LGBT things as a teenager, I grew up in a small town and the sex ed. I received was pretty basic. For those interested, I identified as Bi-sexual but I think Pansexual is a word that I identify more with.

To sum up this entry I would say that there is a lot of angst.

The beginning

So…this project is for my own peace of mind I suppose. I want to be able to get past this part of my life. The events that happened in this time period are the reaction to earlier ones. Before this diary was written, I was bullied pretty badly for a long time it was only after I left school though that I was able to see just how bad things were.

The contents of the diaries were written between 2009 and I think the latest entries are from 2013/2014. I will try to do my best to upload them in their original state only changing the names of people and places, when necessary. I might go on to add postscripts explaining things later on.

What better way to start this thing than with the warning I wrote in the front of the book in the first place.

 

!WARNING!

What you are about to read are my personal thoughts and experiences. I take no responsibility for any mental scarring that may occur in the reading of this diary’s contents. I would also have you know that, a great number of things were written in the spur of the moment and may have, not been intended to be as harsh or even in some cases as nice as they appear. I am not going to change them.

Your’s Raven

P.s. Read at your own risk. Afterall…trespassers will be covered in JAM! XD >:D

Other warnings I’d like to add to this are that it’s going to be depressing and talk about things that might be triggering to others. I’ll do my best to warn you in advance of things like that. Also I was a teenager back when I wrote this, so take that into mind as well.